Happy 1st Birthday Brennan!

Dear Brennan,
My eyes fill up with tears, when I think back a year ago today at Gods love, peace and mercy that HE showed that day for you my beautiful baby boy's life and my life.

The day you were born, was very much like the 1st year of your life has been...a whirl wind. You were whisked away to the NICU, the place that you spent the first 4 weeks of life. I remember being there multiple times a day and waiting at the door, until it was time for them to let me in so I could see you ,get reports on you and to stick my hands through the port holes of your incubator to touch your little hand, to let you know that I was here and that Mommy loved you so much. Seeing you with all those tubes in and on your tiny little body and the monitors that would sound if your heart rate dropped or if you forgot to breath, etc was heart breaking and scary all at the same time. I had to keep telling myself they were there to help you get bigger and stronger so that we could take you home, to show you your room, to wrap you in your freshly laundered clothes and blankets and most importantly to introduce you to your big sister that was waiting on you and were our family would finally be all together and complete.

I sometimes think and thought, that it was my fault that you were in the NICU and maybe just maybe I could have or should have done something different. Now looking back over the entire situation, I know that God and his infinite wisdom and power had everything under HIS control. As I walked out of the hospital doors countless times a day, until our next visit time I knew you were in good hands (not your Mommy's hands) but good hands with the doctors and nurses, but the thought that calmed me most was that you were in Gods hands.

Yeah, when I am having a bad day some parts of me sometimes feels like I was jaded and robbed out of your first 4wks of life and then it hits me...I am so blessed to have a beautiful healthy baby boy that you would have absolutely no idea that you were a preemie baby. Sure we have had a few setbacks, ER visits, doctors and specialist visits but how blessed we are to have had only these minor setbacks.

As an adult when you think/look back at the trials, thehurdles , the situations you have been in and over came, you always wonder what was I supposed to learn or what did I learn in and through that situation. So  when I think back, on how and what I felt like and what I learned, several lessons come to mind. To list a few: Patience (patience in it will be Gods timing and not Tara's timing). Leaning on and earnestly praying on my knees in tears and talking to God for you and about you. Coming together and being there and relying on  one another as parents of a child, you both love so deeply and had no control over the outcome or the situation. Depending on and leaning on your family and friends, that would drop and did drop whatever they were doing to help us, by visits, prayers, phone calls, keeping and taking care of our precious daughter, who didn't really grasp everything, all she knew was her Mommy had been in the hospital along time and her brother had been born, but she couldn't see or hold him. All of these lessons I learned and was learning was not as easy as it sounds in this letter. This time in my life, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to face and deal with, but I can say...God was with me and blessed me to get through it and has blessed my life and family so abundantly that I try to strive to be a better christian and to be a better Godly wife and mother (and I'm sure I fail miserably at it).  But HE has done so much for us, I feel that's the least I could do.

It has truly been a remarkable year that I feel has flown by so fast. I find it a true honor and privilege to be your mother and to have experienced all of your first moments with you over the year. From bottles to sippy cups, the first time you rolled over, your first cooing noises, your first clap, your first time to crawl (army crawl), your first smile, the first time you reached up for me, your first falls (that just having a hug or a kiss from me, seemed to make it all better), your first bath, your first tooth and many many more of your firsts.  I really am trying to soak up all of your baby"ness" (like when I stand completely still after picking you up from your crib as you wrap those little arms around my neck) because I know it won't last long. As we celebrate your first year of life and all of your accomplishments, I am truly grateful that our mighty God chose me to be your Mommy.

 You have so many people that love you, from your parents, to your sister, to your grandparents, to your stand in grandparents, your family and your friends. You make everyone you see and meet smile, because you really are the happiest baby I have ever seen, you always have a smile on your face.

Thank you for the laughs, the smiles, the tears, the sleepless nights and for the messes you make through out the house (that I wouldn't change for anything). Thank you for a wonderful first year son.

Happy 1st Birthday my Brennan Boo!
I Love You
Love, Mommy